Weathered: Louis

Weathered: Louis

June 24, 2011 Writing 35

This new piece comes some point after this piece. I posted another piece yesterday that falls between the evening in the bar and the tempered breakfast. Enjoy.

Beep. Beep. Clip. Clip. Woosh as the door opened. Blair’s complexion was as pale as the paint on the walls of her hospital room. Everything in her room was white, except the neon flashes from the heart monitor above her. There was a sense of nothingness all around.

Louis. Her mind would beg.

She could close her eyes, and often did, and see his face lurking perfectly behind her eyelids. She would never forget. She would never allow herself to. She had lived her life too long without him, but she had lived. She may have dreams of owning an art gallery, of finally having her name up in lights, but her heart yearned for Louis. His love, his warmth, his scent were all craved by her soul. She would close her eyes and he would come to her here in the hospital room. He would sit on the chair beside her bed. She could feel his hand holding hers. A touch of wind was his caress; an itch of her lips was his kiss. His eyes would moisten, and a raindrop would fall.

Live, she would hear, though his mouth never moved.

It’s not your time yet. Live. His voice would plead.

She could sense the cracking of it in his sorrow.

No. I want you. I need you.

Her silent tears slid from closed lashes. Arms lifted, fell lucid to the floor. Doctors shook their heads. The blip on the screen began to slow. A soft breeze rippled the sheets.

 If you love me, you will live.

Beep. Beep.

The prompt was to: “focus on the words and the strength of each to contribute to your story. Write a 300 word piece using the following word for inspiration: LIFE.”

Do you think I answered the prompt? Concrit is always welcome.

35 Responses

  1. I couldn’t help thinking of life in relation to death either. I like the way that you used that. I like that life is a choice here. I like that love continues to ask the impossible.

  2. Erin says:

    Oh she has to live! What an interesting take, I love that you took it almost into another world!
    Love this!

  3. Carrie says:

    She can’t die! She can’t give up! No no nooooooo!

  4. I’ve been there wanting someone to live so badly. I hope she does.

  5. KG Waite says:

    Interesting take on this prompt! Nice imagery, nice tension. I was getting stressed out reading this.

  6. I liked this piece. It gave me a feeling of helplessness…that I couldn’t do anything to help Blair but wanted her to live so bad.

  7. Sigh. Beautiful and sad and helpless. Well done! The doctor’s shaking their heads, seemingly clueless to the ripple of the sheets. What a powerful and intimate image. I feel like I was allowed into a very private moment.

  8. This is very good! I especially like those last few lines with the italics and pull of it. So good!

  9. Ratz says:

    Oh stephanie stephanie… this is sensational. I loved the way you have ended this piece. There is so much of the thrill that flows in this piece. Good work. 🙂

    Happy weekend

  10. Kristy says:

    Oh, so sad. Full of emotion. Well written.

  11. CDG says:

    I think I’ve missed a few pieces to the puzzle. I feel slightly at a disadvantage, as I spent most of the read trying to figure out who wanted whom to live. I understood from the room, etc that Blair is in the hospital, but the POV seemed a little cloudy.

    That said, the emotional punch is definitely there, and you’ve answered the prompt strongly. Life and death are inextricably wound together, aren’t they?

    • DM says:

      Short synopsis of what you have missed: Louis is Blair’s one and only love. He died in a tragic accident 2 weeks before their wedding. Circumstances have been bringing him to mind, most lately, the postcard that she believes is from him saying he is not dead. Regina sent the postcard though, and the shock it all has given Blair a heart attack…

  12. Melanie says:

    I think you did answered the prompt, beautifully. Funny, I’ve written a similar piece to yours for this prompt. Like minds…:-)

    The second half of the piece touched me the most. I felt it all: his sorrow, her sadness, her stillness. I loved the way you used your words so efficiently here to get the emotions across.

    • DM says:

      Thank you. These short ones are hard for me. I usually write 1,000 words at a time if there is no word count. Haha.

  13. TheKirCorner says:

    In that place between death and life, I think it would be just like this. A coma of feelings and thoughts, some real, some imagined. You did a fantastic job of drawing that picture, of having us willing her to Live next to Louis. I love this story!!!

    Love is really the only thing that will mend her, can’t wait to see where you take Blair and us!

  14. I really liked the ending- I thought it was strong- could hear the beeping of the machine.

  15. Galit Breen says:

    Emotional, sad, eery, powerful. Yes, that.

    My favorite line: “His love, his warmth, his scent were all craved by her soul.” because it reeks of true love.

    • DM says:

      I’m glad you picked that up. I have a feeling that in the book as a whole, even though this is a short piece, it’s going to have a lot of power.

  16. jessicaanne12 says:

    Oh, I love this story! I love the deep romanticism in this piece and the idea of one true love that you pull throughout it. So many good bits. One of my favorites is this, “A touch of wind was his caress; an itch of her lips was his kiss. His eyes would moisten, and a raindrop would fall.” Lovely.

  17. Oh, I love this! Yes, she must live, if she loves him, she must live!

    Visiting from TRDC

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