Sugar Sweet

Sugar Sweet

October 26, 2012 Writing 34

Someone needed their dick shot off and it was my job to do it. She was as sultry as she was poison, dripping sweet in front of me, after her gig on the stage. Sugar was her name, and she spent most of the song laboring on her knees, any imperfections on her body hidden by the soft red lighting of her act. It wasn’t ‘til she took to the pole that I could see the damage. There, just above her bikini line, was the ugly slash, the result of a gunfight she lost. Jealous lovers kept my wallet thick, but this went above the norm.

She wrapped her flesh in a satin robe and slid on my lap, her sultry lips dangling dangerously close to mine. She stole the fedora from my head and put it on her own, sliding the front down seductively over her eyes. Her fingers running through my thinning mane sent shivers down my spine. I couldn’t help but run my own fingers up her silky thigh, my thumb ending a whisper away from her ample bosom as I removed her neatly from my lap, anxious to hide my growing desire.

“So, will you help me?” She purred, reaching out gracefully to steal the cigarette I’d just lit. She’d owe me, but it wasn’t cash I wanted.

“For you, I will. Do you have his picture?” The half-smile that appeared on her face as she slid the upside-down photo across the table almost undid me. My hands betrayed me, yearning to feel her roundness within them.

“Don’t kill him. Just shoot his dick off. Let him live in misery for the rest of his life,” she growled. Her venom took me by surprise, though it shouldn’t have. I had a thing for the femme fatale. I had no doubt it would kill me someday. I had to end this before I lost control.

“Oh, sweets, you play a tough game. Don’t contact me again. I’ll contact you.” I rose from my chair, grabbed my fedora from her head, and turned for the exit. Before I could get my coat on, I felt her pressing up against my back, her sweet lips cupping my ear.

“I’m looking forward to it,” her hot breath filled my ear, her words creating goose bumps across my flesh. Breathless, I watched her retreat, realizing with sudden clarity that I would never lay eyes on her again.

Her job would be my last.


This week’s Red Writing Hood prompt from the creative geniuses behind Write on Edge is the picture shared above. We had 450 words at our disposal.

This week’s 3 Word Wednesday prompts are: Dangle, Labor, Neatly. I used a form of all 3 in my story above.

I welcome and appreciate your feedback. I’m taking on some noir in this story, a new writing style (for me) that I am coming to enjoy. What do you think? Could it improve? Share your thoughts in a comment and help me grow as a writer!

Thanks for stopping in. Don’t forget to click the America’s Next Author button on my sidebar and vote, share using the social icons below the voting button, read, rate, and review. All count towards my ranking.

breathlesslyThe Free Dictionary: Breathing with difficulty; gasping: was breathless from running.


34 Responses

  1. Very good take on the writing prompt this week. You moved away from the ’50 Shades’ option which I enjoyed. Well done and thanks for sharing.

  2. Very well done! I love the noir, and this stayed noir all the way through to the end.

    And congrats on fitting 3 Word Wednesday in! Often when I read someone’s link and it just seems awkward or not fitting to the prompt, it turns out they were trying to force a story to fit requirements for both the WOE prompt and something else. But this story was smooth from beginning to end, and I was rather surprised to learn that you fit in prompts from another source. KUDOS!

    • SAM says:

      Thank you. I seem to have Phillip Marlowe stuck in my head somewhere. 😉

      As for the prompts, I actually wrote this for WOE first, then decided to visit 3WW since they’d just put a new prompt up. A couple of easy word changes, and I think it made the story better.

  3. Ah, noir. You crafted an excellent scene. The only critique I could offer if you decide to revisit this piece later is to gritty it up a little more. Like a Humphrey Bogart film. It’s great as is though, so nothing to fear. Great take on the prompt.

    • SAM says:

      I think I need to actually watch a film with Phillip Marlowe in it. The first time I wrote in this voice was the first time the word noir had been associated with my writing, and I had to go find out what it was, LOL. I’m having fun with this, a nice change from the horror I usually write.

  4. I wasn’t sure how I was going to like the results of this prompt – as one of the only moms who has NOT read 50 Shades – but this was PERFECT! I really enjoyed the structure and tone.

  5. Kir says:

    well that was even hotter than mine…and so good. Your use and ease with words is such an inspiration and envy of mine. You grabbed me with the first line, and never let go.


    • SAM says:

      Of all the stories I’ve written, I think this one’s first line is my favorite. Sugar’s such a tease, but a deadly one. I’m so glad you liked it!

  6. Tina L. Hook says:

    So happy to see you always improving your craft. I especially enjoyed the flavor of this first person character. He is worthy of further examination. I already want to know why this is his last job, and what sort of checkered past has he survived?

    Stopping by from Write on edge.

    • SAM says:

      Thanks, Tina. Perhaps I need to work on clarifying that its his last job because she will have him eliminated…that “no witnesses” thing. I hoped that was reader apparent when he said he knew he would never see her again, after calling her a femme fatale.

  7. On a second read, I loved the noir aspect of this piece! On a first, I was a bit confused, and please forgive my dirty dirty mind: “Someone needed their dick shot off and it was my job to do it.” I sadly thought this was a sexual act and was confused as to your narrator’s place (a fellow stripper?) or the pov (did she mean the first person?)

    So… yeah. Not sure if that is concrit or just a reader who needs to get her mind of the gutter. Perhaps I should finish my coffee as well.

    • SAM says:

      LOL. All those erotic pieces to read over, and there’s no wonder why your mind is in the gutter. The WOE page is hot, hot, hot today!

      Thanks for the laugh, and dragging me down in the gutter with you. 😉

  8. I liked there interaction and I do have to say that I found him the more interesting of the two. I did wonder why a woman who seemed capable of shooting someone on her own, given the scar would ask someone else to do it, but then the end made me think that she was setting him up and he knew it. I agree with Shelton about the grit, a line about the smell or look of the place when the lights were up maybe…

    I too have not read nor desire to ever read 50 shades!

    • SAM says:

      Hmmm. I was concerned about the gunfight line, because she didn’t actually fire a gun, she was shot. Maybe I should clarify that better.

      I like your suggestions regarding adding grit.

      Thanks so much for your feedback!

  9. Sheilagh Lee says:

    there is a real noir feel to this. A interesting story.

  10. This is really strong! I enjoyed reading it a lot, because I felt you used the photo for inspiration but told his story as well. I liked that she was a stripper but their interaction was about the service he was going to provide for her. Great job.

  11. Tina says:

    Hubba hubba! Nice seduction scene, sufficiently hard boiled for noir. I loved this!

  12. I love that you were able to knock off TWO challenges in one. And the words don’t seem forced or anything.

    I like this line: “It wasn’t ‘til she took to the pole that I could see the damage.”

    Maybe it’s because I’m almost 45, but that has some kind of truth to it.

    I’m here from WriteOnEdge. Come & check out my piece. Nice to meet you!


  13. Oooh, I love the noir feeling of this. Fedoras and a dark smoky club. The first sentence threw me off–I had my mind in the gutter…but on re-read, I love it. Somehow I wasn’t expecting male POV but it’s great. And to echo the others, I’m impressed that you got another prompt in there, too! The word limit was killer this week.

    • SAM says:

      Thanks, Angie. It’s funny, when I wrote the first line I really wasn’t even thinking in that way, but I absolutely see how it could be, lol. I still think its my best first lie ever.

  14. mercadee says:

    Angela reminded us all earlier: “… own your words, embrace your strengths, and believe in your writing.” With that in mind, for Friday you have 500 words to write a piece, fiction or non-fiction, which includes the phrase “to the moon.” Come back and link up on Friday’s post.

    • SAM says:

      I’m sorry, your comment went to spam so I didn’t get this. Where are you challenging me from, Mercadee? I don’t know where to link up to.

  15. Dee Rayson says:

    I’m a bit late with this reply. I tried to do this five times last week and it wouldn’t go through. I really enjoyed your fractured characters, Sam. Her with the scar, him with his fatal attraction. I wasn’t sure who was breathless in this line. “I watched her retreat breathlessly, realizing with sudden clarity that I would never lay eyes on her again.” Was it him that was breathless, or her. Perhaps they were both breathless, no wonder it was pretty steamy. I was looking forward to a piece from you this week, but alas I missed out.

    • SAM says:

      I’m thrilled that you were hoping for a new piece from me this week. I did manage a couple stories before NaNo began. If you were referring to this particular story, I wasn’t planning more, though I am interested in writing more stories in this genre.

      Thank you for stopping in and leaving me your wonderful words. It means a lot to me.

    • SAM says:

      And also, thank you for pointing that out. It is he that is breathless, and I will change that accordingly.

      On Sun, Nov 4, 2012 at 8:58 AM, My Write Side

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