In Time: A New View

In Time: A New View

August 30, 2012 Writing 21

This picks up where Somewhere in Time left off.

Photo by Stacy Plowwright-“Clouds in Toronto” used with permission for the sole purpose of the #FridayFictioneers prompt.

He emerged from the underground subway squinting. The sudden brightness of daylight blinded him, even with the cloud coverage. He dipped between two buildings and waited for his eyes to adjust. Though it only took a moment, he was unprepared for what awaited him. He stood between two of the tallest buildings he’d ever seen. A sea of noisy automobiles waited on the street in front of him. Rotting garbage wafted up his nose as a playful breeze sent newspaper flying around the alley. He pulled his hat down further and stepped out, joining the influx of people bustling about the walkway.

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This week’s #FridayFictioneers photo prompt is used in the story above. This 102 words come from my current WIP, In Time, my Steampunk story involving Viola. Since this follows a piece written a long time ago, you need to know that “He” is Roderick, the gun toting sidekick of Father Lee who shot Orvella. Here he is not quite human, and pure rotten. He’s just made a time jump, and emerged from the subway and into a modern city for the first time.

How did I do? Did you see the city from his POV? Share your thoughts in a comment, please.

Thanks for stopping in!!

 

 

21 Responses

  1. vbholmes says:

    Hard to comment without knowing more about the time period and society Roderick was living in before he made the jump.

  2. The piece is well-written and conveys the city description is clear. However, I didn’t get any impression of his feelings about it. I really didn’t realize that he was “out of time.” He could just as easily have come from a rural area of the present since he came from the subway tunnel. I realize 100 words limits how much information you can include. Maybe it would help if he “arrived” in the alley. I haven’t written anything yet. I just got around to looking for the prompt and there are already half a dozen entries.

    • SAM says:

      Thank you for your thoughts. I do realize that its hard to cram that much info into 100 words, but he arrives in the subway and emerges to this time for a reason. πŸ˜‰ I’m glad that the city description is clear. That’s mostly what I was aiming for with these 100 Words.

  3. boomiebol says:

    I think you did the city due justice and urban cities can often be overwhelming for people used to small towns or from remote villages. Well done

  4. I did see it from his point of view (after I read the bit below your story!) I liked that it could be part of your other piece or stand on its own as a person from ??? overwhelmed by the city.

  5. Carrie says:

    I think this kind of scene needs way more than 100 words. So many sensory elements that could be added to give the reader the sense he is uncomfortable, terrified, or just dandy with his new location.

    Still, for what you gave, I could see the city and picture him stepping out of the alley. Now, since he is from Victorian times, the rotting garbage possibly didn’t phase him since that’s pretty common in that era πŸ™‚

  6. Wow! The paragraph after the story completely changed the character I had visualized. Well Done!

    • SAM says:

      Sorry about that. It’s been quite awhile since the subway piece has been read, so that’s why I felt the need for the refresher.

  7. The city descriptions were stellar. Without your explanation afterward I’d have no idea who he was or what his motives were. I wondered if he wasn’t some kind of harbinger of 911. Good bit of writing nonetheless.

  8. dmmacilroy says:

    Hi Sam,

    I somehow got the ‘out of time’ element intuitively. Perhaps my mind just hews that direction naturally. From a purely mechanical point of view. The sentence describing ‘rotting garbage wafting’ up his nose derailed me. I know the format demands brevity but perhaps ‘the odor of’ added to the front.

    In any event, I enjoyed the piece. Thought provoking, mysterious and provocative.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/08/31/satisfaction-brought-them-back/

  9. elmowrites says:

    Even without your explanation, I got the impression of time-travel and a fish out of water. There is also something sinister about the way he hides…
    I’m over here – http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/08/31/friday-fiction-white-pegasi/

  10. I got the idea of a person out of time – but felt maybe that he understood what he saw a little too well. Intriguing to wonder what his mission is.

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