Fairy Tale (Pt 2)

Fairy Tale (Pt 2)

January 27, 2012 Writing 24

“They say you will fail.” The princess’s voice filtered through the black silk covering her face. It allowed only her eyes to show, deep and piercing blue waves on stormy waters. She was stretched out on her bed, her legs in the air, reading. She laughed at the sight of him.

He turned to look at her. His hand went into his small pouch and a quick jerk released dust that settled over him. “Remove the silk.”

“Haven’t you been told? You will go blind.” Her hand flipped in the air, dismissing him.

He stepped closer to her, his hand raised as if to strike her. “Remove the silk!”

“No.” She huffed, and turned on the bed, leaving him her back as audience.

“Then so be it. Remove. The. Silk.” He kept his voice even but his fists clenched, his jaw tightened, and he stepped closer to her. He raised his arm and held his open palm out to her. “Please.”

“I don’t want to. In fact,” she said, her fingers drifting to her head and twirling loose strands. “I don’t feel like doing anything right now. Please leave.”

He stepped closer to the bed, his arm still extended. He resisted the urge to pull the silk away himself. Trust was key to his success. “I won’t.” He planted his feet shoulder length apart, and crisscrossed his arms across his chest. He willed his feet to cement themselves to the floor.

“You will.”

Her nostrils flared. Her fingers curled into a fist. She rose from her bed, and approached him. She stepped close, bumping him slightly, but he didn’t budge. She pushed him, and still he didn’t move. She ran towards the bed, gathered her arms to her waist, lowered her head, and charged. He stepped to the left at the last moment, and she slammed into the wall instead. She was stunned to discover the silk covering her face gone. She turned and faced him, defiance written all over her face, a wicked smile dancing on her lips. “Say goodbye to your eyesight, freak.”

“So this is the beauty that blinds all men,” his hand covered his mouth to hide the smile of satisfaction on his face. His other hand reached into his pouch again and more dust flew through the air, settling on the princess. “Now, I shall leave you alone. Goodnight, princess.” He waved, mocking her as she coughed.

She watched him leave, then flew to the window.  The moon hung large in the sky waiting for their next move.

(To be continued…)


This week Write on Edge challenged me to try a piece using one of the writing tools I’d like to polish a bit. I’m not quite sure I set out to do what I was trying to do here, but a great weakness of mine involves action during dialogue–what are they doing while they are talking, since it is not natural for people to sit/stand still during conversations, even at the dinner table. So that was what I attempted here, perhaps too much or perhaps not enough. What do you think? (and I really want to know!)

This piece comes from Fairy Tale, a story I started in September and never came back to.

This is also my response to the Bloggy Mom’s Writer’s Workshop. We were challenged to write about anything we wanted to, as long as the story ended with “The moon hung large in the sky waiting for their next move.”

Calling all moms to join Bloggy Moms Writer’s Workshop, today.

As always, I am always looking for feedback on my writing. Please leave your thoughts in the comments and help me grow, especially today. How can I improve my dialogue and the actions my characters take during conversations?


24 Responses

  1. Kristina says:

    Ooooh, I like this! Not only do I want to know more about these two, but I thought your action in dialogue was really good. It didn’t feel forced or awkward – I could imagine the scene as they were talking. Well done!

  2. This is wickedly funny. Now I have to look for the first part and wait for the 3rd part. 🙂

    • SAM says:

      The first part is linked “Fairy Tale” at the bottom of the post, and well, the 3rd hasn’t even been dreamed up yet. LOL.

  3. Carrie says:

    As I mentioned to you earlier, I thought the dialogue was really well done for this. You paced it well and it sounded natural. I love that you made the princess nothing more than a petulant teenager.

    My only real critique is this section:

    “I don’t want to. In fact,” she said, a hand raising to her hair and fingers twirling loose strands. He could imagine gum popping and snapping between her lips. “I don’t feel like doing anything right now. Please leave.”

    the action ends abruptly, with the fingers twirling. It’s not in the right tense, perhaps? Try “she said, her fingers drifting towards her hair and twirling loose strands.”

    And his thought about the gum doesn’t quite fit. It feels as if the POV has shifted. I’d move it to the next paragraph and have the rest of her dialogue follow the part about playing with her hair.

    And like the others, I am waiting for part 3 🙂

  4. shah wharton says:

    Oh I am loving this. Pt one now. 🙂

  5. jesterqueen1 says:

    Interesting that he thinks that trust is key to getting her to remove “the silk”, but then she ultimately doesn’t really remove it so much as have it knocked loose by her ramming the wall. I couldn’t decide why she thought it would blind him (I envisioned Medusa) or whether it actually did so. They have a fascinating relationship.

    • SAM says:

      in the first part it tells you why she thinks he will go blind. He is an Indian healer, summoned from his land by the king. She is a princess with a beauty so powerful it blinds any who look upon her. Obviously this distressed the king & queen, who want to find her a worthy match, so they sent off for the legendary Indian healer, who is interacting with the princess here.

      And perhaps the part about the silk coming off her face isn’t clear because it was meant that he pulled it off in the same instance he moved out of the way of her charge. Thank you for pointing it out so I can fix it!!

  6. I think it’s awesome! I’m going to have to go read the first part now.

  7. http://norabpeevy.blogspot.com/2012/01/five-fun-ways-to-promote-your-book-by.html says:

    Hopping for Shah’s Creation Hop. Another writer here …

    Love the line, “So this is the beauty that blinds all men.”

    Hop on my blog. I have an article on how yo promote your book by Michelle Scott to share. She is giving away an eBook copy of her newest urban fantasy, The Soulless.


  8. Howdy! This is my first time ever hopping around Writers Edge blogs. Very cool. I like your writing style a lot. However, there’s a lot going on here that I don’t understand. Not sure if it’s the language or my not having read the first part. Wonder if part one explains what the healer’s powder does? I’ll check back:)

    • SAM says:

      No, it doesn’t. Not everything has been revealed via blog. No one actually knows what is in his tool pouch, though they all laughed at him for having one. You’ll have to stop back by more often to find out. 😉

  9. lexy3587 says:

    Great! It really makes me want to hear more – I hope you come back to it again sometime.

  10. Cameron says:

    I think the choreography is strong here, especially at the beginning. The paragraph where she charges him, that one I read twice to make sure I understood what she was doing. I wasn’t sure what her motivation was to go from languid and dismissive to combative, and then that one line of dialogue gets buried. For the sake of the conversation, I might break that up a little.

    And like the others, I am awfully curious what the powder in the pouch does/is…

  11. justlyd says:

    I read this then had to go back and read the first part and then read this one again…now I am just patiently awaiting the third part! I think you nailed the actions while dialogue is going on challenge that you gave yourself. The princesses actions felt natural for her and gave me a good view into her personality- I think I’d be a little bit petulant too if I was beautiful but my beauty had become my curse. 🙂 Very cool.

  12. miq says:

    I really liked both part 1 and part 2 but I felt a little jolted going from the first to the second. I would like more transition, but that might just be the style and as the story unfolds I’ll come to appreciate it.

    Can’t wait to read part 3!

  13. What a unique story! I can’t wait to read the rest! BTW, you did a great job describing what was going on while they were talking. Doesn’t seem like it’s a weakness to me! 🙂

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