Eternal Rain

Eternal Rain

November 16, 2012 Writing 20

Rain ran in rivulets down the window, matching the trail of tears cascading down Sienna’s drawn face. The raging storm outside was a perfect replica of the raging storm within her. She did not understand why Brennan had to die. It made no sense to her that one moment they were anxiously awaiting Charlotte’s arrival and the next, she was in a recovery room, the baby in her arms, and told Brennan was dead. He had a heart attack while waiting for her. He was young, vibrant, and full of life. Twenty-five year old men did not just keel over from a heart attack! It made no sense, and she refused to let it go, despite what everyone told her.

Charlotte grew quickly, the smitten image of her father, and it only hurt Sienna more. She leaned her head against the cool glass of the window—the picture window she had insisted on having when the house was being built. All the dreams she had of parties in the house had died along with Brennan. The house felt cold, now, and empty. There was too much space, too much time, and not enough memories. They had just celebrated their first wedding anniversary before Charlotte was born. Too soon, he was taken from her.

She let the tears plop on the windowsill, watched as raindrops mirrored her tears, joining the growing puddle both inside and out. Charlotte squealed behind her and she turned her head to look. A smile moved slowly across her face, and she picked the baby up, her sadness momentarily forgotten as her delight in her child took over. Charlotte pointed a pudgy finger to a picture on the mantel. Sienna moved closer to it, swaying gently as she went. Charlotte put her little finger on the glass, and babbled in delight. She pointed at Brennan, and for just that moment, Sienna felt like he was near. She thought she could hear his voice whispering in the other room, felt his lips pressed against hers, and then they were gone again.

A new tear rolled from her eye and Charlotte’s little finger, the one that just touched her daddy, reached out and whisked it away.


More of my NaNo characters here in response to Write on Edge’s rain prompt.

I welcome your feedback. In case you are wondering, Brennan sold his soul to save Sienna and Charlotte, who were both facing death due to complications during delivery. He also agreed to die 1,000 times as long as they survived. Sienna mourns Brennan for much longer than she should, not ready to believe that he is really, truly gone. This piece is but a small glimpse into her pain. Your thoughts on this piece are much appreciated.

Thanks for stopping in, but before you go, could you please take a moment and check out my short story “Gloria” in dire need of votes and reviews (Yes, shameless begging here). Have a wonderful weekend!


20 Responses

  1. cait says:

    Intriguing piece. So interesting how rain is often depicted as sad, but it’s true. Liked this line best: “There was too much space, too much time, and not enough memories.”

  2. Kathleen says:

    The concept behind your story is a really good one–very intriguing premise for a story. Hope we get to hear from Brennan too as part of this (I’m sure we do). The end of this excerpt, where the baby seems to be channeling her daddy, is a great nugget. I think the main thing to be aware of in this piece is the “told” nature of it…right now we’re skimming through it, the way you’d tell me about an incident in your life, laying the background etc., but we will engage much better if it unfolds a little more in “real time.” Make sense?

    • SAM says:

      it does, and I probably should have shown more with this for WOE, but as part of a longer story, it does work well. Brennan has many “VisionS” of Sienna from where he is, and all of them are sad, but occasionally, to make the story flow, it comes from Sienna’s POV. This is one of those times, and perhaps an earlier vision than the one that is currently in the story now.

  3. CJ says:

    I liked how you mirrored Sienna’s inner feelings with the rain outside. You used good words/phrases for that —raging storm, growing puddle.

    My constructive suggestion would be to eliminate unnecessary words. Examples: replica instead of perfect replica, image instead of smitten image, keel instead of just keel, built instead of being built, died instead of died along, closer instead of closer to it. In my opinion, those extra words divide the impact of your writing. (It also allows you to say essentially the same thing with fewer words when a word limit is in place.)

    That being said, if I am writing for publication, my husband is a great editor. Usually I accept about a third of his suggestions. I reject about a third because they sound like him, not me. And about a third of his recommendations give me an idea of a better way to say something, but not exactly as he has suggested.

    I would expect that you might do the same with my suggestions.

  4. Katie says:

    I had to go back and read the first paragraph, I thought it was happening now and was confused slightly that she was thinking back. Maybe tighten the first paragraph a little. I really felt Sienna’s sadness and feelings of anger at his death. Powerful.

  5. jwilliams057 says:

    This makes me wonder if her pain is so intense and lasts for so long because he still around… just not in human form. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.

  6. (FL) Girl with a New Life says:

    I also enjoyed the storm as a metaphor for her inner turmoil. I want to know more about her husband, and this excerpt has me aching for an image of him, or some snippet of past dialogue, especially where we refer to the baby looking like her father. How is she looking like her father?

    Stopping by from Write on Edge.

    • SAM says:

      You bring up good points. I don’t think I have ever really described what Brennan looks like. Only Sienna and Baal.

      On Fri, Nov 16, 2012 at 1:57 PM, My Write Side

  7. Patricia (@patricialynne07) says:

    Very sad piece. The little note at the end also added to the sadness.

  8. Carrie says:

    You’ve got a very interesting story here SAM. I look forward to reading more of it 🙂

  9. Such a difficult thing to think about, her mourning and not realizing he sacrificed himself for her and their daughter. I think her grief came through clearly here. My favorite part is Charlotte touching the photograph; it seems to really convey the sadness well.

  10. How sad, but lovely at the same time! Very moving!

  11. CJ took care of all the concrit I would have addressed. It’s a lovely, tragic concept, however, and I’m thrilled you’re exploring it because you have the gentle touch needed for such a complex story.

    Very well done!

  12. Cameron says:

    The emotion here is marvelously light-handed given its depth. What a tragically gorgeous story.

    • SAM says:

      I’m not quite sure what you said, but I do know it was a compliment. Thanks, Cameron. I really hope I do the story justice. The ending is written, but I still have lots to fill in in between.

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