In Time: Veins of Fury

In Time: Veins of Fury
March 23, 2012 17 Comments Writing Stephanie Ayers

This is the next segment in my serial “In Time“. This takes place immediately after Flocked. (Please note that I have purposely left some things out but all will be made clear soon.)

Viola materialized in the alley behind Father Lee’s tattoo shop. A searing pain in her wrist rendered her breathless and she stopped moving, allowing her body to sink down to the pavement, and leaned back against a brick wall. She could feel the tattoo throbbing and pulsing like a heartbeat pumped full of adrenaline. Her quivering fingers hastily removed the velvet swatch from around her wrist, tearing the protective gauze wrapping in the process. The small magnet Nieve placed over the ink was torching her skin. She grabbed it and tossed it, wincing as its heat burned her fingers.

The tattoo was angry. It had risen from the surface of her skin like a cattle brand. A closer look at the markings revealed a tight, small script around the cross. “Abandon” was etched above and “Hope” was beneath it. She realized that Father Lee knew. He knew what she was capable of. He knew the power of the magnet on the velvet swatch. It was crystal clear to her now that he had baited her and she’d fallen into his trap.

Viola understood that despite her ability to heal, the ink would remain. She recognized the blazing fire in her wrist. He’d done his homework and added silver to the ink. Silver was the only metal that her body couldn’t tolerate. It would deny the healing and the mark would remain. Slowly, the silver would work through her blood and destroy her. The magnet she’d put on her wrist would only hasten the process as long as the wound was raw. Her eyes lifted to the sky. Nightfall was coming. Tears dampened her face. She would have to unleash the beast within her or let the poison run its course.

It was going to be a long night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

According to Dante, the gates of hell are inscribed “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” Write on Edge challenged us to be inspired by such a warning, in 500 words or less for this week’s Red Writing Hood assignment.

I welcome and appreciate your feedback. Please feel free to share your thoughts in a comment. This story is very much still new, and still a very much a work in progress. For this prompt, how did I do? Could you feel her hope evaporate? Did I use enough description to set you in the scene even without knowing exactly how it all came to be?

Thanks for stopping by and reading!!

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Stephanie Ayers A published author with a knack for twisted tales, Stephanie Ayers is the Executive Creative Director of OWS Ink, LLC, a community for writers and readers alike. She loves a good thriller, fairies, things that go bump in the night, and sappy stories. When she is not writing, she can be found in Creative Cloud designing book covers and promotional graphics for authors.
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  1. 17 Comments

    TheKirCorner

    OH Steph, that was so good.

    In just a few paragraphs you gave me all I needed to understand what it is that weakens her and how she will choose to keep herself alive.

    this line:
    It had risen from the surface of her skin like a cattle brand. A closer look at the markings revealed a tight, small script around the cross. “Abandon” was etched above and “Hope” was below it

    so telling and foreboding, and I think I actually held my breath thinking about Fr Lee knowing her secret.

    Your talent amazes and awes me.

    Reply
    1. 17 Comments

      SAM

      Thank you for the continued support, Kirsten. Thanks for the feedback, too. I really appreciate it.

      Reply
  2. 17 Comments

    Jackie Cross (@JackieCross)

    Wonderful! I went back and read some of the other pieces of the story just to better understand it. I’d love to be able to write as well as you!

    Reply
    1. 17 Comments

      SAM

      Dude. You CAN write as well as me. I love your writing.

      Reply
  3. 17 Comments

    Kalamapele

    Ooh, very interesting! Would live to know more!

    Reply
    1. 17 Comments
  4. 17 Comments

    de rebus (@de_rebus)

    Whew! Was THAT an amazing read. The image of the cross tattoo with “hope” and “abandon” was SO striking and vivid. Really well done!

    In terms of concrit, this simile didn’t work for me: “She could feel the place where the ink had been forced into her flesh throbbing and pulsing like a heartbeat pumped full of adrenaline.” – I think because the tension was high throughout your piece my mind immediately ascribed the adrenalin-pumped beating heart directly to the character and not the ink!

    I haven’t been following this story. so I can absolutely tell you that you set the scene and I was absolutely there with you – – even without knowing all the details, your character’s decision to “unleash the beast” certainly reads as a final act, occurring only because no hope remains!

    The only detail I couldn’t follow was: “The velvet swatch around her wrist was removed and the gauze wrapping was torn.” Couldn’t decided if someone had removed the velvet, or if she had – its clearly part of your time-travel mechanism, right?

    All in all, a rollicking good read!

    -Barbara @ www(dot)derebus(dot)net

    Reply
    1. 17 Comments

      SAM

      You are right. I hope I have fixed both places for better reading comprehension.

      Reply
  5. 17 Comments

    Carrie

    I like getting into Viola’s head a bit more and given the opportunity to see how she fits into all this. We now know her weakness…what will she do to get past it. What is this “beast” you mention…

    Great description of the tattoo. I could easily picture her slumped in the alley looking over the ink on her arm.

    Waiting for the next piece 🙂

    Reply
    1. 17 Comments

      SAM

      Have you noticed how much this story is changing? it’s almost as if the original 4 characters from the modern world don’t fit in (but they do, I promise).

      Reply
  6. 17 Comments

    Cameron

    There’s so much rich mysticism in this. Love that!

    One sentence that reads too passively: “The velvet swatch around her wrist was removed by her quivering fingers in haste, tearing the protective gauze wrapping in the process.”

    Let her fingers be active:

    “Her quivering fingers hastily removed the velvet swatch from around her wrist, tearing … in the process.”

    Reply
    1. 17 Comments

      SAM

      Ha. It’s funny you mention that. A light bulb went off in my head today when I was editing for a friend who had a couple of passive voiced spots in her story. Excellent suggestion.

      Sent from my iPad

      Reply
  7. 17 Comments

    Tina

    Hmmm…silver, and a beast with a tattoo? When is the book coming out? My kindle feeds on stories like this!

    I liked the evocative imagery here, with the cross and the words. You really set the scene.

    Reply
    1. 17 Comments

      SAM

      Haha. Its not quite what you think, and this story is a long ways from done, but its my main focus right now.

      Thank you for the kind words on the imagery and scene setting.

      Sent from my iPad

      Reply
  8. 17 Comments

    Lance

    I love the descriptive words. Cameron;s critique is spot on. Give Viola more action words and tense.

    The tattoo is perfect. Just perfect. The feel of this piece is one of your best.

    well done, very well done.

    Reply
  9. 17 Comments

    In Time: V is for Vengeance « My Write Side

    […] is another piece from my WIP “In Time.” It picks up where Veins of Fury left […]

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  10. 17 Comments

    2012 Year in Review « My Write Side

    […] In Time: Veins of Fury […]

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